Fears and Joys

Fears and Joys Week One

            Despite having a small amount of clinical experience prior to my current placement, I was surprised at how much it felt like starting over on the first day. It was very nerve wracking to meet a new group of students and faculty after having grown comfortable in my previous placement. One of my main fears as a teacher candidate is the unfamiliarity of certain content areas. Having not studied certain subjects in the history class’s curriculum, I was very nervous of being asked a question I would not be able to answer. For example, on the first day students were working on a project where they were instructed to explain how one of the first ten amendments relates to their life today. While answering students’ questions I often had to ask them to show me the actual amendment, because I do not know them by heart. This didn’t seem to change how they viewed my ability to help them, but it made me uneasy to admit to not knowing something that is so basic and fundamental to United States’ history as the Bill of Rights.

            Another worry that has found its way into my clinical placement is my desire and need to be accepted by the host teachers and faculty members that I am learning from. I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation while sitting in the teacher’s lounge on my first day, while my host teacher ran a few quick errands. I expected the standard small talk and to be asked about my teacher education program by the other faculty members, and was very thankful for the input of a few individuals. Once the small talk had faded out I overheard a few individuals make remarks about programs and individuals that were at best, uncalled for, and at worst, almost demeaning. This type of gossip was said in such a lighthearted manner that I could tell it was nothing out of the ordinary for this group, and it made me question the things that are said when a stranger is not sitting four feet away. After this encounter I reevaluated my need to be accepted and decided that it is more important to hold true to what I believe is correct and moral than it is to be well liked and included in conversations. As it turns out, my host teacher had had similar experiences, but wanted me to decide for myself. Her belief that I would come to this conclusion on my own made me feel reassured that I have been placed with a woman that has similar beliefs and ideals to myself, and is someone I consider a role model.

            One of the most joyful moments I have observed within my placement was the students’ reaction to my host teacher’s announcement that she would be having surgery over spring break. She told me that she believes in being honest with her class, and it was clear that the students were concerned for her well being. The students’ reaction to her return after two days absence following the break was very heart warming. Students gave her very careful hugs, stopped in the classroom during passing time to say that they missed her, and so on. These seemingly small acts showed me the bond that takes place within a classroom when students know that their teacher genuinely cares for and about them. Oftentimes, I hear all kinds of stories of awful classroom behavior and disrespect for teachers, and yet very rarely hear about the moments that I witnessed that day. I feel that this is a shame and an injustice that students are painted in such a negative light. The students in my classroom experience showed an outpouring of respect and compassion for their teacher’s situation, and it was clear that it touched her heart to know that they care for her and genuinely miss her when she is gone.

            In my career as an educator I hope to remember that it is okay to admit when I do not have all of the answers, it is okay to remove myself from conversations and friendships that I feel are toxic to myself and my approach towards teaching, and lastly, I hope to build a bond of trust and compassion with my future students like the one I have been so fortunate to observe within my placement.